blue-screen

Can’t believe it’s two weeks ago today since I last wrote here ranting about my experience at the Job Centre when I was told I will have to work for free in B&M Bargains as a volunteer. As I was writing that, job searching, writing to my Job Centre Advisor Sue to express how she had made me feel (it got to 5 pages) and working in several programs at once with 11 internet explorer pages open my PC died.. I couldn’t believe it. I honestly couldn’t believe it. I got the message above and it kept shutting down and restarting without booting up, just showing the blue screen of death above, I watched helpless as windows 10 took it upon itself to shutdown and restart my computer over and over and over again. About 16 times while I sat and watched, it couldn’t boot up, scared of having an acute breakdown I had to calmly unplug it from the power supply and walk away.

Things were tough financially too as I’d almost run out of electric (again), I got a shock when the meter began to bleep, I’d not learned my lesson from last time, cooking vegetables in the microwave isn’t something I can afford to do, all my electric was gone and I had 80p left on emergency credit for 4 more days and a few cup of soups. I knew the electric & my food would run out but instead of fretting and obsessively counting (units of electric used per hour, cup of soups per day consumed etc) I thought ‘What the hell, sure, I’m going to be without electricity and food soon if something doesn’t turn up but HELL YEAH, something might turn up like magic, you never know, I have been saved by magic before so you never know, when you need it most so stop stressing and just get on with things’. And I did..

I haven’t done much else for years except look for work 60 – 100 hours a week, it’s what I do from morning to night, I have two children I rarely see and no other family, no friends or social network so it’s what I do most of the time, which is definately distressing spending most my life looking and applying for work, I don’t want to be in my death bed looking back at my life and thinking apart from reproducing (2 children) I have spent my entire life looking and applying for work.. And that gets closer to reality every day.

So when the PC displayed the blue screen of death and wouldn’t boot up I knew I had to walk away and have a break, have a break from job searching and applying. I do it every day, even weekends. I needed a break..

It was cold in my house with no heating but me with all my 6 layers on got on with ‘normal’ things like cleaning the bathroom, dusting (tried to keep moving to keep warm), I couldn’t use the vacuum cleaner for obvious reasons, haha it uses electric and I barely had any left. Well a day went by, I didn’t even want to go to the library, I just wanted to have a break from job seeking and feel half human again. Well I got an email (I still have email access on my mobile phone) from the old man who’d given me work experience (I spoke about this in another post – we remain in touch) and he knows my financial situation living without heating and little food etc and he asked me if I wanted to go over to his as he had a bit of work for me if I wanted, it would be in the warmth of his office at his house, he’s a kind and generous man and I know it was only because he wanted to help me out, he didn’t need me to do the work, he could have done it in no time, hehe, awww how sweet is that? I’m so touched by the kindness of some people, aw writing this has just made me cry, I need to write about a lovely lady who sent me a paypal payment, that made me cry too, now I’m a blubbering idiot, I don’t know how to show gratitude to these people, I’m just so moved by discovering such wonderful persons, my experiences of people are not positive experiences on the whole, sure I’ve known many lovely people, colleagues and such but I’ve known some really difficult people, horrible people and selfish people or manipulative people, so it’s really something to me, really it is.

Anyway it was nice to get out of the house, it was nice to see his office/studio and it was nice to be in warmth. He offered me £50 for the day but I had literally done about £20 worth of work, if that, but I’d been there all day doing the job he tasked me with and talking (he showed me photo’s and stuff) and his friend stopped by and chatted with me about sofware for the job and later his wife asked if I was staying for dinner which was nice, of course I obliged. I had a really nice day, it’s been so long since I’ve been in the company of anyone, since I’ve been anywhere, since I’ve had a conversation even, it was such a welcome break and how strange that should come the day after my pc died and I needed ‘normality’ and also the money which I desperately needed to have electric & food, I didn’t take £50, I refused and took just £20 as they fed me, kept me warm all day and I can make £20 go a hell of a long way (if I don’t use my bloody microwave, dammit)..

I can’t even describe how good that was to ‘socialise’ again, I’ve been so socially isolated for many years. The day after that the weather was nice, still, sunny but very cold. I just got the urge to go out and so threw on a rucksack and went walking, I’m lucky in that 10 minutes walk from my house I’m in the countryside. I was out for about 4 hours, walking briskly up hills, over moors and through woodlands, I actually arrived home sweating. The £20 that my ‘boss’ friend gave to me that day I put £10 electric in and so I could have a shower, and even a light on 🙂 happy days.

I had two great days, it was after all turning into a real ‘break’ it was like being on holiday, socialising, having food cooked for me, having a ramble over the moors and then being able to have a shower and put the kettle on, and I had £10 left to think about buying gas, coffee or a light bulb or candles, whatever it was fun to contemplate the things I could spend £10 on, cheesecake, chocolate, omg, omg, omg… thinking those thoughts that haven’t been possible for so long… I bought some reduced potatoes, reduced cheese and a head of brocolli and made brocolli and blue cheese soup.. omg omg omg.. I can’t even tell you how good it was to cook something again, to chop ingredients up and make something, I love cooking and I really miss it. That was another ‘normal’ activity I did that week. Wow, wow, wow… All those things I don’t have anymore I was really great to experience them again. But wait it’s not over.. The soup I made cost £1.50 and I got 8 portions out of that and I wanted another 8 portions it was so delicious (and cheap).

So I was having a blast on my break, even though alone, I was still enjoying cleaning, walking in country, cooking and then I decided to turn on the telly and fancied doing a doodle to relax my mind, I was thinking about colouring in mandala’s, I’ve seen them around and believe they’re popular pass time for relaxation so I routed through my sons room (it’s as it was when he left) and found his gel pens and some paper and sat in front of the TV doodling with a hot water bottle up my jumper on my back, I felt like a child without worry or pressures of life, just doodling the day away.. Well evening. It was therapeutic. During I captured a bit of video of me doodling on my phone and uploaded it to the internet, some guy said he liked it and said ‘Thanks, wanna buy it’ and he said ‘how much’ and I said £30 framed of £20 without and he said £25 framed and I said I’d have to get it mounted as it was just a little small for the old frame I had to put it in so he said ‘fine £30’ and I’m like WTF just happened.. Haha.. I had to spend some money getting it bonded and mounted (to look professional) – the picture framing guy did it for £5 (knocked him down from £20 – I’m so good at negotiations I don’t even know I’m doing it anymore) so it was lucky I had some cash left over from my day of work when I earned £20 for spending all day at a friends being warm and being fed.. 😀 that doesn’t happen often, it really was a one off but it made such a difference to my life as you can see… So this guy is picking up his picture tomorrow and he’ll give me £30. Does it get any better?

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Well yes it does. I’d had some time off. I’ve not had ‘time off’ ever.. and although I only did normal everyday things they weren’t ‘normal’ everyday things to me and so it was marvelous to do those things. So feeling all the better for having had a much needed break I went to sign on at the Job Centre this morning, I couldn’t take Sue her letter explaining why I walked on her last signing (B&M Bargains story) because my PC was broke and anyway I have no printing ink and I guess time heals and I’m getting over it, but she was nice, she’s not a horrible woman, so it was like last time had never happened. I’m glad about that. So I arrive home at 9.30am and think I’d better start work looking for work again and prepare mentally to boot up the pc and run diagnostics of the blue screen of death when it boot up normally, WTF? WTAF? how did that happen, I think I must have ‘fixed’ it by unplugging it, is that even possible, well I am not questioning magic. Perhaps it was magic that it broke and allowed me to recover mentally with being forced to have some time off. Well whatever I’m not complaining so here I am again being able to write because my pc has strangely decided to work.. Even stranger when I think the monitor broke just a few week prior, perhaps no coincidence, perhaps I was heading for a breakdown myself and the universal magic was hinting it was time to have a break, not a breakdown. 🙂 Unbelievable. I swear to god I believe in magic 🙂 It has surely saved me, if only from myself at times.. hehe..

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