So we all sell ourselves for a wage, we sell our minds, our physical labour or our bodies. I have to be honest and say the thought of being touched intimately by a stranger is a thought that I can’t actually bare. I would say I’m on the a-sexual spectrum, I actually identify as demi-sexual so I have 0 interest in sex for cardinal pleasure, women surely don’t prostitute themselves our for pleasure, they do it for money, to make a monetary living because that’s the society that’s been created by our predecessors and it’s mass exploitation. No matter how bad things got I know I could never have sex with strangers for money.
I’m reasonably attractive and get propositioned a lot, I haven’t been interested in anyone in 18+ years. Well there were one or two in that time that caught me eye breifly, colleagues guys I’d got to know well, but that attraction I experienced only lasted for a week or two then it passed. But if very, very rare that I fancy someone.. A guy on social media who was a friend of a friend befriended me and began to comment on my posts and message me, he seemed new to the social media scene and I once saw a comment he’d put on the ‘mutual’ friend’s post asking who I was and how she knew me. She replied she would PM him (obviously she knew what was said in comments could be read by anyone (including me). I’d met her about 5 years previous when we worked together as volunteers but his enquiry about me made me feel a little ‘stalked’.. I like making friends, don’t get me wrong but there’s a fine line between friendly and creepy. He did ask me out in a message to which I had a bit of a rant because his actual words were ‘I find you very attractive and bla bla…’ I was mad because he didn’t even know me, I hate that people are so superficial to think appearance is what is attractive about a person, he knew nothing (at that time) about my personality (my demi-sexuality coming out there – I am repulsed by superficial sorts – I’ve only recently learned that some people – well actually ‘most’ people apparently get sexual attraction to strangers – it’s never happened to me that, I have never in my life been attracted to a stranger, a film star, a rock singer or whatever because quite franky, I don’t know them, I need to know who they are, weather they’re intelligent, kind, funny etc before I could ever find someone attractive.. I digress).. So I wasn’t too happy this guy asked me out and told him reasons why, that I get sick of men befriending me on the premise they see me as potential mating material, and then when I reject their advances they’re not to be seen for dust, what’s wrong with people just communicating, making human connections without wanting sex, money or a romance? It really pisses me of that. I don’t see people as ‘gender’ specific, I see people as people, I see their character not their genitals ffs, I like to make friends with people and clearly I’m dumped when males who’ve spent time befriending me find out I’m not going to have sex with them or be their life partner.. Tragic really because I enjoy the company of men, I share a lot of common interest with me, I’m not very girly girly although I look very feminine I prefer traditional things associated with masculinity like technology, mechanics and things, I have no interest in fashion, men or make-up techniques so I’ve had few female friends throughout my life but plenty of men friends.
So this is they guy who was purchasing a picture I drew and in communications said he was picking his car up from town, he seems to spend a lot of time in pubs and drinking, he works nights so I saw that as an opportunity to say I’d meet him in a pub in town where I could give it to him, have a sit down and a drink but he said he’d rather collect it and gave me time he was able to. I was of course uncomfortable with that but it has to be done, I needed the money and I guess he needed to meet me in person. So there is the symbiosis, I think all relationships are symbiotic, that’s probably why I haven’t been in one for 20 years because there’s nothing I ‘need’ from anyone.
So this guy has asked me out a few times and made his interest in me clear, just a week or two before the picture he’d offered to take a look at a broken watch I was thinking of selling (I’d put pictures on social media and he’d responded, ceased the opportunity) but I managed to evade that one politely, although while in conversation about the watch said he was dating someone so there was no ‘ulterior motive’ I replied I hadn’t for one minute though he was trying to pull me, but just conversing about a shared interest we had in mechanical watches, but you know, I get the feeling it’s more than than and my intuition is rarely wrong. So he was going to arrive on my doorstep for this picture, great, I knew what I was actually taking £30 for was access to me, £30 to meet me in the flesh, fucking bargain! Hahaha people have sex for less and that’s tragic, but still I was uncomfortable selling access to myself, my address and my home for £30 (or any price actually). I’ve worked in a lot of customer service roles and have good social skills, I can come across as quite outgoing, extroverted but I am of course a true introvert (INFJ) that’s not to say I don’t enjoy the company of others, I really do for short spells. So he arrived and I invited him into my house, he was so tall, I make a joke about it, asking if he was 7ft and to watch his head on the light, but he was 6ft 1in, I’m 5ft 3in. I gave him the picture and he gave me money, I asked if he’d like a brew if he wasn’t having to rush off, he’d said earlier in messages he started work at 6pm so I said he could pick it up at 5pm knowing he wouldn’t have too long, but long enough for me to be civil and accommodating and friendly. We had actually communicated over social media for a while so I wanted to say it was nice to eventually meet, I said I was vegan so I was only able to offer black coffee with no sugar. He accepted. I do like soya milk and sugar is nice but these things I haven'[t afforded in a long time, I didn’t say that, there was need to disclose my financial situation to him. Bizarrely, because I’d been given a few pounds for a day’s work which I spoke about in another post I had bought some gas, not used it, but put £10 in the meter for absolute emergencies, I had literally £4 as £6 was immediately taken out in standing charges, so it’s what I consider an ’emergency’ to put the fire on should I ever have a guest. I also put the TV on because he like a quiz and I knew The Chaser was on, the mutual friend we both had had actually been a contestant on the The Chaser and had won £6,000 so thought it appropriate and also wanted to direct his attention on something other than me. It was ok I think I made him feel welcome and it wasn’t long before he had to leave to go to work. He said the picture was for a present for a 13 year old girl and I he must have said something that made me think it was the woman he was dating’s daughter. I said ‘Wow, you’re spoiling her’.. That seemed a bit elaborate to me to spend £30 on your girlfriends daughter for Xmas but then again I’ve been out of society for so long I don’t know anything about buying gifts, I’ve only ever bought my son & daughter gifts, there is no one else in my life so I admit I’m quite clueless. I might be clueless about gifts but I don’t think I’m clueless about people and I’m convinced still he was buying access to meet me and I like a tramp was purchased. The way of the world. It’s a wicked place.
So that was Tuesday, last night (Saturday) he was messaging me to tell me where he was (in a pub of course) and what he was drinking and the songs the band were playing and his opinion on them, I didn’t really engage, I’m not heavily into messaging like that, for a start I don’t have phone credit and can only use wi-fi and it’s just not something I do, I can type very fast on a PC and write at length but messages on a phone I can’t really be doing with, I speak with my son & daughter on messenger but my son is worse than me and rarely replies (haha which can be bloody annoying when I require information, but guess he’s got that from me, never answering phone calls or the door because only creditors came a calling – he didn’t know that of course, I said I didn’t answer the phone because there was no one who would be calling who I wanted to speak with at that time – truth, no need to mention debts and having no friends or family who’d be calling). So it was getting late and I didn’t responds to the last 3 message of my ‘friend’ in a pub last night, there was probably on 7 he sent anyway but one of those was asking if I fancied a drink over Xmas sometime and he’d pay, no strings.. The last message was just a X.. So really what I am suppose to think? He’s trying his best to get to know me, why do people go to such lengths? What is his motivation? I can guess!