My son is 21 the first week in January, my phone bill is now due, if I don’t pay it will get late payment charges (to take me up to March 2017 is £97 – with BT Basic including upgrade to unlimited broadband £33 per month average -that’s phone line & internet includes free calls to £5 per month – don’t think I can get cheaper). The mortgage hasn’t been paid £25 per week and the bailiffs are knocking WTF! I haven’t included Xmas in that, I don’t have an Xmas myself, no work or parties or family or friends etc but there’s still pressure on a parent to provide for their children. And that is what Xmas has come to mean to me, pressure of providing. My mother passed away on Christmas day a long time ago, I don’t even think about that, well I try to give her a thought, her life was horrible and Christmases for me as a child were horrible, but I enjoy giving and making people happy and Christmas was a magical time when the children were younger, Anyway they are adults now and know I’ve no money but I would usually provide a meal for them so we can get together and also try and get them a small gift like a sweater or a book/CD or something but that’s not going to happen this year, I don’t know how I’m going to approach that one actually I’ve given it no thought, if I miss a mortgage payment it’s so wacked up now to the threshold that it will go to litigation and repossession order (that happens when arrears hit £1,000 and already I’m in the high £900’s.. I don’t really want to be without my internet over december & xmas so paying the phone bill is a priority but so is having a roof over my head, that’s what it’s coming down to now, but if I can’t afford electricity there’s point paying BT so it’s a real juggling act.. ARGHHHH!!!

I’m in a mad panic doing this and that trying to find money from somewhere, listing thing on ebay which takes ages and trying to sell things of no value on social media too takes loads of time up, job searching and applying throughout the night, have applied for so many jobs filling in online applications which I’ve basically had to lie on because finding dates and qualifications and then having to explaining gaps in employment of more than a month is too much of a job and if I told the truth I know my application wouldn’t be considered, I’ve applied for loads of jobs in Support Work, which I’ve done before, some I’ve left my university degree on, then regretted it and removed it from other applications and then regretted that, I just can’t seem to get it right, there’s always doubt I’ve done something wrong because I’m so desperate.

I did another stupid thing which makes me wonder if I’m just stupid or a self saboteur, I found an idea job online, 25 hours, could work from home doing social media and marketing for a company that sells second hand equipment, that would be great so I never send a CV just like that, that’s generally time wasting especially if the job has been taken already, so I called up the company to see if the job was still vacant and spoke to the MD and had a great chat, the company is a stones throw away from my house and looks super anyway he ended with send me an email of what you could bring to the company.. So I had to be persuasive in my use of language. I spent 5 hours (investing so much time because good opportunities are rare and I had to get it right). I know proof reading your own writing is difficult, I’ve written for newsprint and magazines and never do they allow a person who’s written allow to proofread. I can type very quickly at 70wpm but that’s not often with out errors, especially if constructing sentence while writing and not just copy typing. More so when my hands are numb from the cold. But I’d finished it and knew there were likely errors I couldn’t see (because I can always see them an hour or so later when I revisit it after a break, to proofread my own work I need to look at it with fresh eyes after a few hours, but with spending 5 hours on it I didn’t have a few hours as it was expected Friday afternoon, I looked over and over it and over it again before sending it. I sent it and read it 20 minutes later before heading out as I’d had to and god dammit it had errors I had missed, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME… I KNEW IT WAS A GIVEN it would have errors so why the bloodhell did I click on send? I’VE MESSED THAT UP, I REALLY WISHED AT THE TIME I HAD SOMEONE I COULD SENT IT TO TO CHECK OVER, BECAUSE IT WAS THAT IMPORTANT TO ME, BUT THERE IS NO ONE.. I wasted all that time 😦 I am a fool to myself.. I should have known better. I can have a decent life of £200 a week, still work on my own projects and try and build a business while I have enough coming in to live, I currently don’t have enough to cover the basics. And now I’m thinking I can’t actually buy food anymore, even though I only buy reduced and very cheap items it’s still money I’ve not got to spend, I will have to rely on food banks from now on. Money is that tight.


A video because I know many people are in the same boat. I still have a chair to sit on currently, when the bailiffs have been back I might not have. My life is no different to that of many others. Poverty is not a choice. Well unless you decide selling your body is a way out of poverty or exploiting others for financial self gain… Hmmmm what sort of world is this really? I keep asking what am I doing here, what is this place, planet earth.